baby son at seven months
creeper flower in my garden
TO THE WÍLD SIDË
OF MY SITE. * Here
be dragó ons
with halit sis,
and I don't know what else. * Dø n't
wait for the page to finish l o ading
before y ø u
start l o oking
around. It may take å while. * If you get løst
or nervous or just fidgity, c lick on the arrø w
at the bottø m
left to go Home.
intersting computeing moment
art: "Hard Drive Failure"
something Van Gogh said
A M E N A M E
calligrapher, I get to write lots of names on certificates, inviations, etc.
Some are real lemons, others are vrot guavas. Here is a collection of choice
ones from my little book of names:
* Bernie Chicken
-Cape Town resident
* Ivan Glasscock -Cape
* Winkee Manley -Wedding
Road, Surrey, Cape Town
(I once phoned in to a radio talk show which was discussing this kind of name
and this was one of the first ones I mentioned. They promptly cut me off saying
they were ony dicussing genuine cases. I didn't get a chance to say they could
look it up in the Cape Town telephone directory.)
* Ron Legg
-Two Oceans Marathon runner
* Mr & Mrs A.S. Assin
* Moses Blah -Liberian
interim president 2003
(wouldn't it just be peachy if he ever had to occupy the podium together with
* Pat Hay -Manageress
of graphics supply shop Cape Town
* Adolfie Hitler -Pretoria
* M.J. Carr-Cass -
Cape Town resident
* Mrs E. Yach -Mauerberger
Holdings, Cape Town
* Gladys Fish -Sea
Point, Cape Town
* Motlhe Youth Choir -1996
* Sakkie Kleingeld(literally
"Pocket of small change") -Chap
I met in 1995. Civil servant in the Orange Free State.
calligraphy is like painting
you get urges to paint things people say.
person's life points to a culmination: DEATH
At death one's life is DEFINED
and at death your greatest need is RESOLUTION.
thing worse than a wolf:
the person who cries wolf.
One thing worse than a racist:
the person who plays the race card.
play with it first
tell you what it is later.
M I L E S D A V I S
Sitting silent and looking wise
cannot be compared to drinking wine and making a racket.
M A N Y O S H U
I have an abiding suspicion that no matter how much you scrub,
that ring of gunge that settles around the edge of the bath
settles every bit as much around your waist
~ especially if you let the water out before you emerge.
There's a life lesson in that but I'm not quite sure what.
the dots. Back lit detail from the leaf of a bush that grows commonly on the
West coast of South Africa.
taking off on a wave at my favourite beachbreak
lawnmower. This has to be some kind of symbol for something.
about John Edward from Today mag:
error message my fax prog gives me.
and Anger Management
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to
take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you DON'T know!
Now get this. I was sitting
at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number
and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely
said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had apparently transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung
up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I
decided to call it again.
When the same person
once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. Next to
his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer,and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the
Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me,
I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled
his number, then heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the
sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed
the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're
The reason I took the
time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really
bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.
Keep reading this, it
An old lady at the shopping
centre really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started
to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong
direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You
can't do that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of
his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if
he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there
sure a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale"
sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted
for another place to park.
A couple of days later,
I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling
823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since
I have his number on speed dial now!) I noticed the phone number of the guy
with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy,
too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me
where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at
1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out
I said, "What's
"My name is Don
"When's a good time
to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the
"Listen Don, can
I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an
asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added
Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. I must say, for a while things seemed
to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes
to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up
on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone
dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I yelled "You're
an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are
you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling
I said, "Make me."
He said, "What's
your name, Pal?"
So I told him, "Don
He said, "Where
do you live?"
"1802 West 34th
Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
"I'm coming over
right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm
really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called asshole
#2. He answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello,
He said, "If I ever
find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your
"Well, here's your
chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the
phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and
that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.
Another quick call to
Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that
I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Watching two assholes
kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter
and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
The story you have just
read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
is love disappointed.
many _________ does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics? Only one since his/her hands are already in the air anyway.
Presbyterians? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and
Pentecostals? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.
Catholics? None. They always use candles.
Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked
the old one.
of Christ? None. There's no evidence that light bulbs were ever changed
in New Testament times.
Methodists? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
that light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem
or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb
and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which
we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid
paths to luminescence.
Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of 2002's winning
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
U N I V E R S I T Y . D I P L
O M A S
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I once received:
who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
poet writes inverse.
safe eating - always use condiments.
needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
is the wrath of grapes.
should be used on every conceivable occasion.
can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
egg in the morning is hard to beat.
a photographic memory that was never developed.
fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
helpers are subordinate clauses.
the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Calligrapher abstains from naked woman
(I'd appreciate it if someone could tell me who the artist
Namibian signeage 3
Namibian signeage 4
THE BEST JOKE i EVER CAME UP WITH
What did the drill sergeant say to Descartes?
"You're not meant to think! Just do as you're told!"