My baby son at seven months

Creepy creeper flower in my garden
Creepy creeper flower in my garden

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 an intersting computeing moment

                computer art: "Hard Drive Failure"

- something Van Gogh said

      L A M E  N A M E            
As a calligrapher, I get to write lots of names on certificates, inviations, etc. Some are real lemons, others are vrot guavas. Here is a collection of choice ones from my little book of names:
* Bernie Chicken -Cape Town resident
* Ivan Glasscock -Cape Town resident

* Winkee Manley -Wedding invitee
* Torrid Meat Market -Torrid Road, Surrey, Cape Town
(I once phoned in to a radio talk show which was discussing this kind of name and this was one of the first ones I mentioned. They promptly cut me off saying they were ony dicussing genuine cases. I didn't get a chance to say they could look it up in the Cape Town telephone directory.)

* Ron Legg -Two Oceans Marathon runner
* Mr & Mrs A.S. Assin -Barmitzvah invitees
* Moses Blah -Liberian interim president 2003
(wouldn't it just be peachy if he ever had to occupy the podium together with Tony Blair?!)

* Pat Hay -Manageress of graphics supply shop Cape Town
* Adolfie Hitler -Pretoria resident
* M.J. Carr-Cass - Cape Town resident
* Mrs E. Yach -Mauerberger Holdings, Cape Town
* Gladys Fish -Sea Point, Cape Town
* Motlhe Youth Choir -1996 Choral Eisteddfod

* Sakkie Kleingeld(literally "Pocket of small change") -Chap I met in 1995. Civil servant in the Orange Free State.

  Doing calligraphy is like painting
             except you get urges to paint things people say.
Every person's life points to a culmination: DEATH
At death one's life is DEFINED
and at death your greatest need is RESOLUTION.

One thing worse than a wolf:
the person who cries wolf.
One thing worse than a racist:
the person who plays the race card.

            I'll play with it first
      and tell you what it is later.
                        ~ M I L E S  D A V I S

Sitting silent and looking wise
cannot be compared to drinking wine and making a racket.
                                    ~ M A N Y O S H U

I have an abiding suspicion that no matter how much you scrub,
that ring of gunge that settles around the edge of the bath
settles every bit as much around your waist
~ especially if you let the water out before you emerge.
There's a life lesson in that but I'm not quite sure what.

Join the dots. Back lit detail from the leaf of a bush that grows commonly on the West coast of South Africa.

Me taking off on a wave at my favourite beachbreak

Overgrown lawnmower. This has to be some kind of symbol for something.

Article about John Edward from Today mag:

Crazy error message my fax prog gives me.

Stress and Anger Management

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had apparently transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!"

and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer,and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name.

"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.

Just dial 823-4863.

Keep reading this, it gets better!

An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now!) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "Make me."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

So I told him, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction!

Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

The story you have just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Anger is love disappointed.
How many _________ does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Charismatics? Only one since his/her hands are already in the air anyway.

2. Presbyterians? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

3. Baptists? CHANGE???????

4. Pentecostals? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

5. Catholics? None. They always use candles.

6. Episcopalians? Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

7. Church of Christ? None. There's no evidence that light bulbs were ever changed in New Testament times.

8. United Methodists? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of 2002's winning entries.

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

U N I V E R S I T Y . D I P L O M A S

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spam I once received:
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Calligrapher abstains from naked woman
(I'd appreciate it if someone could tell me who the artist is)

Namibian signeage 1

Namibian signeage 2

Namibian signeage 3

Namibian signeage 4


What did the drill sergeant say to Descartes?
­ "You're not meant to think! Just do as you're told!"